Brain-dead teen, only capable of rolling eyes and texting, to be euthanized... (Onion)

Don't miss:

1. Boy finds own real-life E.T.!!! (Onion)
2. Bangladesh paper prints Onion satire about Armstrong's moon walk as real story!!!
3. High school fuckup now in charge of checking airport luggage...
4. Teens broke into CNN newsroom to check Facebook pages!!!
5. Kids who use Facebook do worse in school...